Thanksgiving was always my favorite holiday to celebrate. The holiday always doubled as a birthday celebration since My birthday is around thanksgiving. Sometimes it even falls on the holiday every few years and who wouldn’t love that. Amazing food, drinks, family and my favorite pumpkin pie. Despite the fact that I don’t like turkey, I was always offered a special meal just for me. I always request ham and since it’s my birthday my mom always delivered. I never imagined that this year would change for me.
3 years ago I was anxious and excited, leading up to Thanksgiving and my birthday. Mostly because I was about to share some pretty amazing news with all my friends and family. After 3 years of trying to get pregnant and 2 miscarriages, I was finally far enough along to be able to announce our pregnancy. We had concrete evidence that everything was moving along as expected and I was into my second trimester and feeling great. I made my husband a shirt that read “I love my pregnant wife”. He wore it under his button up and revealed it later into a family party. We just waited for someone to notice what his shirt said and it didn’t take long at all. I heard some cheers from the other room and my name being called. Finally I could be excited instead of a nervous wreck. It felt amazing to celebrate this absolute Miracle.
The past two thanksgivings have been incredible. I’ve been so thankful to be able to celebrate with my amazing little boy and my family. Our traditions continued and I was so happy again. My life felt complete in a way I could never imagine. It wasn’t until this past September that i could see that changing for me.
Between 2015 and 2016 we suffered 2 more miscarriages bringing our grand total to 4. I was extremely optimistic leading into September that we where gonna be pregnant again. We decided to move forward with the recommendation of our Fertility Doctor although I kind of customized our cycle to what we where comfortable with. I was ok taking the medicine and doing the trigger shot but I couldn’t go forward with another IUI. It just didn’t feel right to be so medical with such an intimate thing. We decided to try on our own with a little help from some fertility drugs. Again I went into the two week wait with extreme anxiety, excitement, and optimism. If this panned out the way I was hoping it did, we would be pregnant almost the exact cycle that we conceived our son, Jake.
I woke up the morning I would take the pregnancy test and decided I wasn’t ready to face it. I went to work anxious and nauseous hoping it wasn’t just nerves. Half way through work I, couldn’t wait any longer. I took a break, drove to Walgreens, and picked up the first pregnancy test I saw. I Returned to work to see what it revealed. As I waited the 3-5 minutes, I think I experienced a panic attack. I sat down and Tried to breath and then looked at the test. It was negative. I thought to myself, it’s ok, maybe it’s still early. I would go for bloodwork in the morning just to be sure. I took a deep breath and went about my day.
When I got home I realized there was another test in the box. I hid in the bathroom for a few minutes and again waited for the results. This time it was POSTIVE. A glimmer of hope ran through my body but I couldn’t shake the feeling of anxiousness. The next day the blood work came back great and they congratulated me on my pregnancy. Relief followed by anxiety shook me again.
The next two weeks where very stressful but I tried to stay postive. I enjoyed time with my son and family and attended some fall and Halloween festivities. I didn’t have any signs that something was wrong and that helped to relive the anxious feeling I couldn’t get away from. The first ultrasound came and went so well that the doctor thought that maybe there was two embryos instead of just one. I was progressing normally again.
A week later I returned with my husband and son to see the heartbeat. The night before my husband was so excited but I couldn’t shake this terrible feeling I had. I held in my feeling from my husband and amused his feeling of joy. As I layed on the table and the lights went out, I held my breath waiting for some good news. Unfortunately it wasn’t good. The baby stopped growing and I felt myself going back into the hole I tried so desperately to dig myself out of.
I Tried to grieve as fast as possible with this one so that I could be there to help my son enjoy Halloween and all the other holidays that follow. That was probably not the best idea looking back because as I’m sitting here on the day before thanksgiving, all I want to do is be back in that hole. I would have been moving into my second trimester and ready to share our exciting news on thanksgiving day again but instead I’ll have to suck it up and pretend like I’m doing just fine.
One instance just ruined my favorite holiday and my birthday and I can’t help feeling alone again. So today I’ll grieve, I’ll cry, I’ll allow myself the time I need but tomorrow on thanksgiving day 2016, I will pull myself together, put on my favorite dress, do my makeup, and be with my family. As much as 5 miscarriages can crumble a person I refuse to let it bring me down anymore. I have so much to be thankful for.
Going through infertility and pregnancy loss can be magnified during the holidays and I’ve been through plenty of holidays feeling stressed and depressed but I’m at a point now that I don’t want to be that person.
If you need to limit your interactions with parties that involve children and pregnant friends or family. Don’t feel guilty for saying no. Putting yourself in places like that can make your depression even worse.
If that annoying person turns around to you and asks extremely personal questions about when your having a baby or when baby number two is coming, walk away and grab another drink or ask them something personal and see how they feel about it. The questions have become inappropriate and so intrusive when your going through something so traumatizing and honestly, you don’t need to amuse them. It’s none of their business.
Be with the people you love and enjoy the distractions that make you happy. Most of all, allow yourself to be sad when you feel necessary. Your not weak, your strong. Your not alone, your just a little lost. That’s ok. Do what feels best for you. Try and enjoy this holiday season and remember your not the only one out there waiting on a miracle. Try and be thankful even though it feels like you can’t. This journey made you the person you are today and the people supporting you deserve a huge thanks. You are here reading this and breathing so I would say that something to be thankful for. Happy Thanksgiving from our family to yours!!!
Written by: Kristine Blesi
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